Today would have been my mother’s 62nd Birthday. Birthdays were a big deal in our house growing up – at least for everyone’s but hers! She would have said today was nothing special, just another day. I would give anything to make it something special, instead of wishing you a happy birthday in Heaven, Mom.
It makes me incredibly sad that she is not here for me to wish her Happy Birthday. I never thought this would happen so soon. How could it? Most days I don’t understand and I still expect her to answer when I call the house. Most days I wait for a text message or email from her. Most days, when I want to tell her something, I still look for her number in my phone to call her. I used to call and listen to her voicemail every night, but it is gone now.
I was going through some of my papers and I found a note from her, funny, it seems so odd to see her writing again, but I still expect to hear her voice. Grief doesn’t make sense and maybe it is not supposed to. I like to call it her Plan for Healthy Living:
- Cut out Soda
- Don’t eat after 8:00 p.m.
- Move for 10 minutes a day
- Do not eat snacks larger than your fist.
- Track your weight every day.
- Love yourself more than the food!
Today I purposefully didn’t get up when my alarm went off – three times over the course of an hour and half – and skipped my run. I ate at my favorite diner for lunch; grilled cheese with french friend and tomato soup. I am eating Mexican with my sister tonight. I ate a whole candy bar as a snack – it did not fit in my fist, by the way. I have no idea how much I weigh, but I know it is not pretty. Food and I are pretty much at war right now and food is winning. So much for loving myself.
Still, in the back of my mind, I do know my mom would not be disappointed in me, she would understand. She lost her mom too. But, I also know she would want me to take care of myself. She would know I was trying too. My mom was passionate about running and healthy living.
She would be excited for the Air Force Half this weekend. She and I went last year as spectators to cheer on my Coach and friend, Duane in his first Marathon. It was a happy day! I bust out laughing now when I think about it. Mom went to the First Aid tent looking for him when he didn’t come in after 4 hours (Duane and I run at the same pace), but she didn’t know his last name at that time so she was just yelling “DUANE!” hoping someone would answer her. They did, of course, with, “Are you looking for a family member, Ma’am?” She figured out he wasn’t there and we waited awhile longer for him. Our eyes peeled looking for his red (we went back to look at pictures, thank God for camera phones) shirt. She was so excited for him. We talked about it the whole way home. If Duane could do it, maybe she could do it too. She was so inspired. We talked about going back so I could run the Air Force this year. I will be running the Half on Saturday. It’s hard to believe now, that was only a year ago because it seems so far away, yet so recent. Grief is strange in so many ways, I guess.I miss you more than you know, Mom, and I love you even more than that.
Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, dear Mom, Happy Birthday to you!
Until the next mile marker when we meet again,