It’s no secret I have yet again been MIA from the blogging world. I readily enjoy keeping up with all of you and your amazing accomplishments, but the moments I get to catch up with comments are few and far between. Between battling constant pain, fatigue, my new (and demanding job) and not-to-mention daily life activities – I am pretty much expended by the end of the day.
I spent last weekend in the hospital. Again. Your blogs gave me much inspiration while I was there. Even though I haven’t been able to say it to you individually, thank you. And thank you to those of you who still drop by to say help and leave your thoughts. Your comments do not go unnoticed.
I was admitted to the hospital with intense (but not unbearable like the PE) pain in my right lung (opposite of where the initial trauma occurred). It was causing me to struggle to breathe, which for obvious reasons, was concerning to my doctors. The hospital ran test after test and ruled out problems with my heart. The lining of my lung is inflamed and filled with fluid, which is causing pain and difficulty breathing. It hurts to sit, walk, lie down, cough, yawn – breathe. Yeah, I’m back to that again just when I was starting to find some relief.
They have no idea what caused the inflammation or why it is there. It makes no sense since it is on the opposite side of the PE.
Back to the beginning we go – again.
In August alone I have 12 doctors’ appointments. Hence another reason why I have not been able to catch up in Blogland.
I find it increasingly difficult to live in a constant state of physical pain. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. Sure, my knee was an ongoing problem (and a part of my wonders if this is God’s way of forcing me to take an extended rest from running), but it wasn’t constant. I could still do things, hell, I could still run. It just hurt. Now I am constantly in pain. It hurts to do normal, simple, everyday things like get dressed, take a shower or walk to my car. The pain is alwaysthere to some degree or another. Even with pain relievers, it never goes away. I can be sitting on the couch and it hurts – minimizing movement does nothing. Nighttime is the worst. I can’t lie down without gasping for air most nights. I wake up numerous times during the night gasping for air and sometimes wondering if I am still alive. I hobble around on my one decent leg to make sure I really am alive and still able to move. As the hours drag on, I start to become more limber, but the pain never recedes. Maybe I just grow accustomed to it.
Still, no one knows what is wrong. They have pieces and parts – antiphospholipid syndrome, clotting disorders, breakdown of red blood cells, etc.- and even though one might think that is bad enough in and of itself, none of those factors can occur without some overall cause. My doctor described my body as one gigantic thunderstorm. These are the effects – the wind, rain, hail, lightening – but we don’t know what’s up in the clouds that caused the storm. Awesome. My body has literally become one of my biggest fears – a raging thunderstorm.
Every day is just that – one day. I can literally do nothing more but take this a day at a time. I’m not sure my mind can handle thinking any farther into the future. I can barely tolerate the pain now. Every night I go to bed thinking tomorrow will be better. It has yet to be. I fear the day when I can run again is slipping away to where I can’t even see it on my horizon. That saddens me more every day, and I am trying desperately to hold onto the hope – the belief – that I will run again someday. It may not be tomorrow or the next day or the next, but I will.
I don’t know how people live with chronic pain. It has only been two months for me so far and it is nearly unbearable. To live with it forever? I can’t.
There are small things that help. Going to work helps. My job is so busy that it takes my mind off the pain while I am there, especially if we are busy. Talking with friends and family helps. Reconnecting with old friends and discovering it is just like we never lost touch helps. Reading blogs helps. Writing helps. Listening to music helps immensely. I am incredibly blessed to have family, friends and an employer that is beyond understanding and supportive for as long as they need to be.
Little things make a huge difference and remind me that I am not alone. A sweet message from a running friend I truly admire:
I’ve been running so well, placing in the top 3 overall in races and going for my Boston 2014 in Cbus and NYC and obviously that has come to a screeching halt, and I just want you to know that your blog and positive fb statuses have really helped me cope and put things in perspective. I want you to know that you are reaching people and changing attitudes and I thank you for it.It has helped me more than you know…as someone who uses running to cope with, well, life i’m scared to be without it. i just want you to know you are so inspiring, even if you might not be feeling the greatest right now.
Stephanie of Kitchen Kilometers gave me the Beautiful Blogger Award, and it completely made my day to know that someone remembered me. Thanks, Stephanie! It is always a pleasure to read your blog. Plus, you inspired me to write this post and get some things off my mind, which is invaluable to me.
Here are the rules:
- Copy the Beautiful Blogger Award logo and post it in your post.
- Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog.
- Tell all of us seven things about yourself.
- Nominate seven other bloggers and comment on their page to let them know.
Here are seven things about me:
- My eyes change colors depending on what I wear. They can be green, brown, blue or hazel. I was always happy I had green eyes.
- I have a handbag fetish. I love purses and wallets and bags. If I was a celebrity, I would have a whole closet devoted to my handbag collection! It would be awesome to have them all displayed, all the time.
- I am a huge Matchbox Twenty fan. Still. They have a new album coming out after ten years. Once, I made my little sister fake an asthma attack so we could sit in the front during one of their concerts. It worked. We could see the sweat on Rob Thomas’ brow. You’re welcome, Mollie.
- I am obsessed with weather, particularly thunderstorms. I have seven weather apps on my phone. Yes, it’s true. I will not miss one single watch, warning or update.
- I am obsessed with country singer Eric Church right now. If he does a duet with Jennifer Nettles of Sugarland, my life would be complete.
- Per my husband, I am a pain in the a$$ to watch movies with. If I am not asking 1900 questions, I point out why everything does not make sense or seem realistic. The same does not apply when I read a novel. Weird.
- If I could eat one type of food everyday for the rest of my life, it would be Chinese. I love it.
Here are my Beautiful Blogger Nominees:
- The Beautiful Eat Run Sail
- The Beautiful No Standing Still
- The Beautiful No Limits Running
- The Beautiful Pain, Pride and Perseverance
- The Beautiful Jenn’s Adventures
- The Beautiful The Bunny 500
- The Beautiful Isle Style Living
Enjoy ladies! You are all Beautiful Bloggers.
Until the next mile marker,
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I am so sorry you’re in such pain. I can’t even imagine. Praying it all passes for you soon! Thinking of you.
THANK YOU for nominating me! i am so grateful for your recognition! I am so sorry that you are still going through so much pain and unknown. I know its hard to keep fighting…but know that I am cheering for you and think of you often. and that YOU and all you stand for and the amazing things that are in your future are all worth continuing the fight! I wish I knew and could say exactly why it is that you must go through all this…I am sure there is a reason that will ultimately be known…but you WILL conquer this and come out stronger on the other side! you are amazing dear friend!
Sara, I had no idea that you were back in the hospital! 🙁 I am sorry to hear you are in so much pain. I wish there was something that I could do. I am keeping you in my prayers. I hope that the doctors can figure out what is going on so you don’t have to live in pain any longer. Gentle ((HUGS))
Kim
I am so sorry you were in the hospital again last week. I had no idea at all! Sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way. I hope you get some answers with the 12 doctor’s appointments this month.
I love you. You know that, but it always bears repeating. 🙂
I’m so glad your day was made. I’m thinking about you and all of your “journeys”. They will make you stronger in the end! Stay positive, keep moving forward, and never forget how awesome you are. YOU inpsire me to be a better athlete and blogger!
I read this when you posted it, but found myself at a loss for words. And then, as things go, I neglected coming back and commenting later. I’m still at a loss for words, but I don’t want you to think that I didn’t read it. HUGS.
Sara my love, I am so sorry I am only now seeing this post — thank you so much for nominating me for this beautiful award!
You said it best in your post, “Little things make a huge difference and remind me that I am not alone.” You truly are not alone, and although we’ve never met IRL you are dear to my heart and always in my prayers!!
I have been somewhat MIA from the blogosphere as of late, severely overwhelmed with life in general, BUT I can’t hardly wait until I dive back into things like before. I will absolutely tribute my next post to you and this wonderful award:)
<3 xoox's