This week has been a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. I think I’ve experienced every emotion imaginable for one reason or another, and my mood has changed at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason. Lovely, I know. I’m sure my husband would agree too.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my mom this week and how much I miss her. There have been several times when I would have liked to call her to share my thoughts. My birthday is next Tuesday – yuck – and I really don’t feel like celebrating it without her. It makes me sad and uncomfortable. I am not a person who embraces change, let alone sudden and unwelcome change.
Strange as it is [I think], about the only thing that has gone right for me this week is running. It’s been awhile since I have said that! Running has brought me relief this week when nothing else could. It has kept me sane. I have, once again, found freedom when I lace up my shoes and hit the pavement. And speaking of shoes, I ran in the Minimus twice this week for a total of a little over two miles and I. Love. That. Shoe. I feel so free when I wear it. I can feel my legs and feet working in new and exciting ways, I feel at one with my body. I feel like I can run as I was meant to – without anything holding me back.
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I’m learning to let go of the pressure I put on myself to run for a certain amount of time, distance or speed. I am running for me again and that feels good. Every Mile Counts. Every step I take makes a difference, means something, molds me into a better human being makes me stronger. My friend and fellow blogger Jen at From Fat to Finish Line first got me thinking about this concept in her post about No Mile Left Behind (stay tuned for an inspiring guest post and check out Jen’s GIVEAWAY!). I wrote Jen – on a nine day running streak herself – to thank her for opening my eyes to this attitude of seizing the moment and making the most of it, no matter how small it is, and she replied, “I can’t tell you how many times I would be down on myself or beat myself up for ‘only’ running a mile or two… Every step is valuable!! Just ask someone who is wheel chair bound. Really.” And that got me thinking – every mile mattered to my mom. Every mile was important – even when it was “just” one or two. This week I haven’t been running fast or far, but I have had some of the best running since Pittsburgh!
Runner’s World delivered this quote by Ryan Hall to my mailbox:
I am thankful that there are different seasons in life and training. I have learned to embrace each season realizing how important it is to allow the body, mind and spirit to fully cycle through each. My current season of marathon training is my favorite. I love the simple life of training and going after a goal with everything I have.
Which got me thinking, maybe this season I have been going through has not been in vain. Maybe things really do happen for a reason and maybe I will come out a better person on the other side. Maybe I can help others get through loss and heartache and pain. My body, mind and soul were crying out for something I wasn’t giving them – maybe this period of half-hearted runs and painful steps is what my body resorted to when I wasn’t giving it much-needed rest and down-time. One day at a time and one mile at a time, that is all I will ask of it.
This week, though, my food choices have been out of control. I’ve been sad and down so I’ve been eating crap. You don’t want to hear what I am about to say. I have eaten McDonald’s for lunch this week one two three days in a row. What the…? YUCK! My body has let me know if hates me for it and has protested, “Why are you feeding me this crap when we just started feeling good running again?” I don’t have an answer to satisfy it. It’s embarrassing and the only reason I can think of is because I’m hurting. Three days? Really? Yeah, um……that does not make me feel good at all.
Which (somehow) brings me to the “People are mean or ignorant or both” part. I’m sitting at my desk today when a potential customer walks in and asked me a question. Instead of yelling at him across my office, I went about getting up to great him when he said, “Oh, no, don’t get up, I can see you are very pregnant.” Devastation. I was speechless. I looked at him and said, “What?” He said, “I don’t want you to have to get up, I can see you are pregnant.” Again! So I said fighting tears that I could feel brimming in my eyes, “Oh, well, I’m not and how can I help you?” He said, “Really? You sure look it!” with a gigantic goofy smile on his face. Them he followed up with, “I wasn’t trying to be rude.” My only response? “That was very rude, sir.”
I ate McDonald’s for lunch again. That’s how that happened today. Seriously? And I could probably write you more than just a post on this subject alone – don’t ever say that to a woman. Not ever. Not for any reason. Don’t assume she is pregnant. Don’t ask her. Don’t comment about it. Don’t. Say. It. I realize this dude probably had no idea what he was talking about, thought he was being helpful, doesn’t have a filter – whatever you want to call it – and I will never see him again, but come on! Use some common sense and learn when to stop letting words come out of your mouth, people! This is one of the ways people like me get self-esteem issues in the first place.
I know I’m fat(er) than I was at this time last summer. I’m working on it. I don’t want to stay this way and I won’t. It took time to shed the pounds in the first place; it will take me time to do it again. I will work hard and I will succeed. Not eating McDonald’s of course, but I will get back on track little by little.
I am trying to let this be my only thought now although what that man said is trying very hard to not only be forefront in my brain, but the only thing in my brain. Think:
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Judi said it best, “Good Lord…that’s wrong. I think you are simply beautiful.” And Sarah kept me laughing with, “Please punch him in the crotch for me! That’s awful! He probably doesn’t even know what pregnant looks like since no woman would touch that with a 10-foot pole!” And Mollie was the voice of reason with, “Don’t worry, he clearly isn’t educated and isn’t worth your time.” Thanks, girls. Once again, I have the best friends.
What about you? Has anyone ever said something hurtful that really gets you down? What is your guilty food pleasure and how do you cope with eating it? What training seasons have you been through and do you appreciate it the good and the bad? Does each and every mile matter to you? Talk to me!
Until the next mile marker,
In case you missed it:
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Please consider voting for me to be a part of Team Refuel! You can do so once a day until September 15th HERE. Search for me by name – Sara Wyen. To learn more about chocolate milk as recovery fuel and what I plan to do with the grant money if I am selected, please visit THIS post. Thank you. I appreciate any votes that I receive and the time you take to think of me.
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{{{Hugs!}}} What a jerk! You are beautiful inside and out!!! You can do this, Sara! Continue to take time and grieve when you need to and know that your mom would be so proud of all you are accomplishing! Love you!
Sara–I know how you feel, grieving never stops. I have my moments when I just don’t think I can do it and even going on 4 years, I try to call her. It’s not until I try to dial that I remember…..As for the idiot, what an ass. I have been accused of being expecting myself. by a fellow twin mom, while wearing size 8 jeans. Some people just suck, you should hold your head high that you’re not one of them 🙂 {{{hugs}}}
Sara,
I have had more than enough horrifying experiences with rude people. Once, when I was at my fittest and most acceptable size (125) I was running cross country and someone yelled, “you shouldn’t be running fat cow!” People will be mean even to people who are at their best. I felt awful…now I wish I was 125…I am a lot heavier now and I too was called pregnant, like 3 times! Oh, it is a crappy feeling. Girl, I feel ya.
Sara, I love your enthusiasim for running and being healthy…it is truly inspiring to me. Sometimes when I get on the computer I may not feel like running/exercise and then I see your post…..it is encouraging. I wish I could give you a BIG hug. I don’t know the pain of losing a parent, but I hope you can find comfort and peace. Many prayers to you during this time.
Nice job getting in the miles!
At 16, I was a lean, muscular 160 pounds at 5’8″. Some old woman made some comment to me about being pregnant when I was at work. I cried. My tummy was perfectly flat! I looked damn good, and that woman thought I was pregnant? Don’t let that guy get to you. People are stupid. If his comment motivates you, let it, but remember that you are so beautiful inside and out.
Guilty pleasures: baked goods, pizza 🙂
Wow! The most appalling this is he just didn’t stop, and didn’t apologize profusely once you told him he was mistaken. There is no excuse for that kind of rudeness. You are beautiful, Sara, just the way you are! Your goals to eat better and lose weight are great because they will help you on your road to better health, not because losing weight will make you sexy and/or beautiful – you already are both of those things and more!!
Sorry you are having a bad week. And that ‘man’ was an idiot. Please don’t let your feelings be hurt by a moron like that. So not worth your emotions or time. Some people don’t have any filters. Others are mean on purpose cause they want everyone in the world to be as misearble as they are. Reject them. Ignore them.
If you have to have feelings about people like that, feel sorry for them.
You ARE beautiful and you ARE important. You have loving, supportive people around you. Enjoy them and be the best Sara you can be, now.
Cheers, and hugs.
p.s. glad you are enjoying running again. Those socks and shoes are so cute!
What a jerk! I once had a waitress ask me if I was my husband’s mother. Yup, that stupid. To answer your question, chocolate is my guilty pleasure. I love it! Keep your chin up and don’t let the ignorant SOB get you down!
We all go through our moments. Try not to let it get you down. I went through that phase earlier this summer that things just weren’t going right and I put on some pounds. That’s why I actually started running in the first place!
Sara,
I am sorry! People are just rude. You are beautiful and don’t let anyone tell you different!
I hope that your week gets better. Hang in there. ((HUGS))
Kim
Big hugs girl — I know this feeling well. Believe me there are days that I feel like I’m a “health schitzophrenic”(sp!) One day I’m eating clean foods and running and the very next I’ll be scarfing down crapola and and swigging a beer. It’s a battle. I’ve come to accept that somedays “crappy foods” happen. I don’t beat myself up anymore. I forgive myself and move on and strive to have the non-crappy food days outweigh the others. Somedays I may lose the battle but dammit, I will not lose the war! And I have a feeling you won’t either!
That guy was a d-bag. I’m sorry. I hope someone ‘accidentally’ punches him in the face by mistake someday.
Thank you for the shout out by the way.
XO
I’m afraid people will just think I’m fat, not pregnant. I mean, I am fat, but I want some credit for not being outrageous, which I’m afraid a bump will look morbidly obese instead of cute.
In the past – I’ve had people ask me when I was due. (when I wasn’t pregnant). It doesn’t matter how you actually look – some people are just dumb. I remember when I was pregnant, thinking that I just looked fat, not pregnant. It’s just one of those things.
Not the same thing – but, when my sister died a few years ago, I had many, many moments like you’re having. It’s only natural to feel that way when you’ve lost someone you’re close to. Any time you want to talk or just cry – CALL ME.
For the record – you are beautiful. That guy definitely deserves a punch. Idiot.