Run…through your expectations.

As you know from this post, I have been in a running and life rut. Sometimes I really do wish I could just disappear. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would even notice.

On Thursday after I wrote this post, I concluded that I love the person I am when I am running, but that person also needs a break…

…so she can come back stronger and better and healthier than before. I need to give that to her and let her heal – from the physical and emotional scars of the last three months. Mind, body and soul, she has asked me for a break and I need to let her have it without feeling guilty or being upset about it. She deserves that. She’s been through quite a lot. I don’t need to keep beating her down. I’m done fighting her.

That was a ~~big~~ HUGE conclusion for me to reach. It is not in my nature to ever “ease-up” on myself. I have viewed myself as a failure a lot in my life and to admit I need a break or need to take it easy, contributes to my feelings of failure, it’s exhausting, mentally and physically. This time, though, it felt good to say I am done fighting.

I went to bed Thursday night with these words in my mind:

Because we are no longer the girls who thought constantly of their struggle to disappear.

I want to be one of those girls.

When I woke up Friday morning, I was in the mindset that I had no expectations. No expectations for work, for running with the group on Saturday, for my 2 mile race on Sunday or for anything else that might or might not go as planned. In fact, I didn’t even need a plan. I would do what I could do and expect no more. If my best wasn’t “good enough,” that was okay. It was something.

And you know what? It worked. I have no idea why or how, but it worked.

I woke up Friday, put on a skirt and tank (for the first time in a long time) and went to work. I had a good day! I felt pretty. I didn’t worry about what anyone else thought. I ate a sub for dinner with friends, and I enjoyed it.

The sub, however, did not like me – not one bit. I woke up before the sun on Saturday morning (we were running early due to the extreme heat) and within a few minutes, seriously contemplated going back to bed. My stomach was churning and it wasn’t pretty. I think it was the onions.

I laid back down in bed, clutching my stomach, and closed my eyes. I want to run. With my friends. As far as I can, no matter how slow I have to go.

I flew out of bed and got ready to go. No expectations – I was going with my gut – well, at least the part of my gut that said run.

I met Duane and the rest of the Lucky 13’s for a 7 mile run. It was daunting – I don’t remember the last time I ran that far, but I didn’t let that get me down. If I ran for 1 mile or 7 miles, I was going to do what I could do. No expectations. I headed out; pacing the group with the Duane into what was straight uphill in a residential neighborhood. I don’t remember the last time I smiled this big!

I am in the white shirt and hat behind Duane.

By then end of Mile 1, my knee was tightening up, protesting the hill, I slowed down and walked up the remainder of the hill where a water station was waiting. It was hot and we could see the moisture hanging in the air, it was thick and hard to breath. I sipped some water and Gatorade, resting my knee for a few moments.

And it was a G-L-O-R-I-O-U-S run! It was nothing special and it was slow – even for me, but it was awesome. I ended up running 6.55 miles in 1 hour and 39 minutes. I walked a few times, let my heart rate even out, hydrated often and pushed through. I was comfortable at the pace I was going, even with the heat. I had good friends and good conversation. I didn’t beat myself up over not staying with the front of the group. I just ran. Farther than I thought I could.

I actually signed up for the Emerald City Quarter in September I had such a good run. I wanted to run the Half, but the Quarter is something I know I can do. I’m not expecting any more than that right now, even though I am still training to run the Air Force Half in September.

I don’t want to think about the struggle any more, either. And I don’t want to lose myself either. Saturday I feel like I gained back some of the confidence I had lost over these past few months. I will run long again, and maybe even faster. I want to be the woman that stands out. I want to run for me. And Saturday, I did.

Until the next mile marker,

Comments

renkath says

July 26, 2011 at 6:11 pm

What a beautiful post! Congratulations.

Kara says

July 26, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Great post! I never even knew quarter marathons existed!

Linda says

July 26, 2011 at 7:41 pm

This is a great post! Thanks for sharing 🙂

Kovas says

July 26, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Those are some great words to be motivated by!

Patty says

July 26, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Great post! You are such a gifted writer! Hopefully we’ll see each other at Emereld City! I’m running the quarter too.

amyfinishingstrong says

July 26, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Loved your post!!! Love you!!!

runningonwords says

July 26, 2011 at 10:48 pm

You would post the picture of me trying to make your sister a Dracula.

Detroit Runner(Jeff) says

July 27, 2011 at 12:32 am

I’ve never seen a quarter marathon. I want to run one too!

Mandy says

July 27, 2011 at 7:03 pm

You are awesome. That is all.

Tasha says

July 27, 2011 at 9:19 pm

WOW Sara.. what a great post! I’m new to running. I needed a goal this summer and decided to pick the one thing I hated. So far, I’m five weeks in and still doing it. I love reading blogs of motivating runners. Good for you! I will continue to read your stories so you have to continue running to give me good inspiration! 🙂 P.S. I love the “Run through…” poster. I think I, too, have it saved somewhere on my computer!

Jen says

July 27, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Love the photo! It is so true.

5 Miles 2 Empty says

July 28, 2011 at 12:49 am

Beautiful post Sara! You are a true inspiration! And that poster, yeah brought tears to my eyes. Running saved my life. Truly. I don’t even want to think about where I would be if I had not found running.
You are doing mazing things! Keep on keeping on!!!! ((HUGS))

Elle says

July 28, 2011 at 3:22 am

I want to be one of those girls too.!

Loved this post and so glad you are feeling better.

Elle says

August 5, 2011 at 12:16 am

I want to be one of those girls too.!

Loved this post and so glad you are feeling better.

Jen says

August 5, 2011 at 12:16 am

Love the photo! It is so true.