Run…through your expectations.

As you know from this post, I have been in a running and life rut. Sometimes I really do wish I could just disappear. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would even notice.

On Thursday after I wrote this post, I concluded that I love the person I am when I am running, but that person also needs a break…
…so she can come back stronger and better and healthier than before. I need to give that to her and let her heal – from the physical and emotional scars of the last three months. Mind, body and soul, she has asked me for a break and I need to let her have it without feeling guilty or being upset about it. She deserves that. She’s been through quite a lot. I don’t need to keep beating her down. I’m done fighting her.   

That was a big HUGE conclusion for me to reach. It is not in my nature to ever “ease-up” on myself. I have viewed myself as a failure a lot in my life and to admit I need a break or need to take it easy, contributes to my feelings of failure, it’s exhausting, mentally and physically. This time, though, it felt good to say I am done fighting.
I went to bed Thursday night with these words in my mind:
Because we are no longer the girls who thought constantly of their struggle to disappear.
I want to be one of those girls.
When I woke up Friday morning, I was in the mindset that I had no expectations. No expectations for work, for running with the group on Saturday, for my 2 mile race on Sunday or for anything else that might or might not go as planned. In fact, I didn’t even need a plan. I would do what I could do and expect no more. If my best wasn’t “good enough,” that was okay. It was something.
And you know what? It worked. I have no idea why or how, but it worked.
I woke up Friday, put on a skirt and tank (for the first time in a long time) and went to work. I had a good day! I felt pretty. I didn’t worry about what anyone else thought. I ate a sub for dinner with friends, and I enjoyed it. 
The sub, however, did not like me – not one bit. I woke up before the sun on Saturday morning (we were running early due to the extreme heat) and within a few minutes, seriously contemplated going back to bed. My stomach was churning and it wasn’t pretty. I think it was the onions.

I laid back down in bed, clutching my stomach, and closed my eyes. I want to run. With my friends. As far as I can, no matter how slow I have to go.
I flew out of bed and got ready to go. No expectations – I was going with my gut – well, at least the part of my gut that said run.
 
I met Duane and the rest of the Lucky 13’s for a 7 mile run. It was daunting – I don’t remember the last time I ran that far, but I didn’t let that get me down. If I ran for 1 mile or 7 miles, I was going to do what I could do. No expectations. I headed out; pacing the group with the Duane into what was straight uphill in a residential neighborhood. I don’t remember the last time I smiled this big!

I am in the white shirt and hat behind Duane.

By then end of Mile 1, my knee was tightening up, protesting the hill, I slowed down and walked up the remainder of the hill where a water station was waiting. It was hot and we could see the moisture hanging in the air, it was thick and hard to breath. I sipped some water and Gatorade, resting my knee for a few moments.


And it was a G-L-O-R-I-O-U-S run! It was nothing special and it was slow – even for me, but it was awesome. I ended up running 6.55 miles in 1 hour and 39 minutes. I walked a few times, let my heart rate even out, hydrated often and pushed through. I was comfortable at the pace I was going, even with the heat. I had good friends and good conversation. I didn’t beat myself up over not staying with the front of the group. I just ran. Farther than I thought I could. 

I actually signed up for the Emerald City Quarter in September I had such a good run. I wanted to run the Half, but the Quarter is something I know I can do. I’m not expecting any more than that right now, even though I am still training to run the Air Force Half in September.   
 

I don’t want to think about the struggle any more, either. And I don’t want to lose myself either. Saturday I feel like I gained back some of the confidence I had lost over these past few months. I will run long again, and maybe even faster. I want to be the woman that stands out. I want to run for me. And Saturday, I did.
Until the next mile marker, 

Comments

  1. What a beautiful post! Congratulations.

  2. Great post! I never even knew quarter marathons existed!

  3. This is a great post! Thanks for sharing 🙂

  4. Those are some great words to be motivated by!

  5. Great post! You are such a gifted writer! Hopefully we’ll see each other at Emereld City! I’m running the quarter too.

  6. Loved your post!!! Love you!!!

  7. You would post the picture of me trying to make your sister a Dracula.

  8. I’ve never seen a quarter marathon. I want to run one too!

  9. You are awesome. That is all.

  10. Love the photo! It is so true.

  11. WOW Sara.. what a great post! I’m new to running. I needed a goal this summer and decided to pick the one thing I hated. So far, I’m five weeks in and still doing it. I love reading blogs of motivating runners. Good for you! I will continue to read your stories so you have to continue running to give me good inspiration! 🙂 P.S. I love the “Run through…” poster. I think I, too, have it saved somewhere on my computer!

  12. Beautiful post Sara! You are a true inspiration! And that poster, yeah brought tears to my eyes. Running saved my life. Truly. I don’t even want to think about where I would be if I had not found running.
    You are doing mazing things! Keep on keeping on!!!! ((HUGS))

  13. I want to be one of those girls too.!

    Loved this post and so glad you are feeling better.

  14. I want to be one of those girls too.!

    Loved this post and so glad you are feeling better.

  15. Love the photo! It is so true.

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